Finding a spouse is one of the most consequential decisions you will ever make — second only, perhaps, to following Christ Himself. Few choices shape your daily happiness, your spiritual life, and your future family more than who you marry. And yet many people drift into it on feelings alone, swept along by attraction and loneliness, and only later ask whether it was wise. So I want to offer you the Bible’s wisdom up front, gently and honestly — not to burden you with rules, but to help you build a love that lasts.
Let me say at the start: there is nothing unspiritual about wanting to be married. The desire for a life-long companion is God-given and good — He Himself said it is not good for us to be alone. So if you long for this, don’t feel guilty about the longing. Just bring it under God’s wisdom, so that your search is guided by more than feelings.
First and most important: shared faith
If you remember one thing from this guide, let it be this. The single most important factor in choosing a spouse — more than chemistry, more than common interests, more than looks — is whether they share your faith in Christ. The Bible is direct about this:
Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness? 2 Corinthians 6:14
The image is of two animals yoked together to pull a plow. If they’re mismatched — pulling in different directions, at different paces — the work is miserable and the furrow goes crooked. Marriage is the closest yoke there is. When two people don’t share the deepest thing — the Lord they live for — they will, over a lifetime, find themselves pulling against each other at the very center of who they are. This isn’t snobbery toward unbelievers, whom we’re called to love; it’s realism about how marriage works. The person you marry will either pull you toward Christ or away from Him, and you will do the same for them. Choose someone who is running the same direction you are.
I’ve watched the heartache of believers who thought they could change a partner after the wedding, or who told themselves faith wasn’t that big a deal — and then spent decades spiritually lonely inside their own marriage. Please don’t learn this one the hard way. Make shared, living faith a non-negotiable from the very beginning.
Look at character, not just attraction
The world teaches us to choose a partner by attraction — looks, charm, the spark. Those things aren’t nothing, but they are a thin and fading foundation. The Bible redirects our eyes to what actually wears well over fifty years:
Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the LORD, she shall be praised. Proverbs 31:30
“Beauty is vain” — not worthless, but fleeting, here today and gone tomorrow. What endures is the fear of the Lord — godly character. The principle cuts both ways, for men and women alike: look for someone whose character you admire, not just whose face you find attractive. Is this person kind when no one’s watching? Honest? Humble? Patient? Faithful in small things? How do they treat their family, a waiter, someone who can do nothing for them? Are they growing in Christ? Those qualities are what you’ll actually live with, long after the first flush of romance settles. A wise old question worth asking: don’t just ask “am I attracted to them?” — ask “do I want to become more like them?”
The Bible even gives us a portrait of mature love to measure a relationship against — and notice it’s all about character, not feeling:
Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; 1 Corinthians 13:4–5
Read that slowly and ask: does the person I’m pursuing love like this? Do I? That’s a far better test of a relationship’s future than butterflies.
Guard your purity
This is where I’ll be honest and counter-cultural, because I love you enough to tell you the truth. God designed sexual intimacy as a beautiful gift to be enjoyed within the covenant of marriage — and dating is not marriage. His instruction is clear:
For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication: That every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honour; 1 Thessalonians 4:3–4
I know how out-of-step this sounds today. But hear the reasons, because they’re for your good. Physical intimacy bonds people powerfully and prematurely, clouding judgment and making it far harder to evaluate a relationship clearly — you can’t think straight about someone you’re sleeping with. Purity before marriage isn’t God being a killjoy; it’s God protecting the relationship so you can build it on genuine compatibility and character rather than physical entanglement, and it’s a gift you’re saving to give fully to your spouse alone. Set clear boundaries early, before emotions run high, and keep accountability around you. (I say more about the why in What the Bible Says About Sex Before Marriage.) And if you’ve already crossed lines here, hear this clearly: there is full forgiveness and a fresh start in Christ — your past does not disqualify you from a pure future.
Date with marriage in mind
Here’s a practical principle that saves a great deal of heartache: be intentional. Much modern dating is aimless — drifting along for years with no direction, or pairing off just to avoid being alone. The biblical wisdom is to pursue a relationship with the actual goal in view: is this someone I could marry? You don’t need to interrogate a first date about wedding plans, but you should date purposefully rather than just for entertainment or to fill a void. If it becomes clear this isn’t heading toward marriage — because of faith, character, or direction — it’s kinder to both of you to step back than to drift for years. Guard your heart, and don’t give it away piece by piece to people you have no future with.
Trust God’s timing
Finally, the hardest part for many: trusting God with the timing. Loneliness can tempt you to lower your standards, to ignore red flags, to settle — just to not be alone. Resist that. It is far better to be single and waiting on God than to be married to the wrong person. God is not withholding good from you; He may be preparing you, or preparing someone, or protecting you from a path you can’t see. Bring your desire to Him honestly, keep living a full and faithful life in the meantime, and trust that His timing is better than yours. Singleness is not a waiting room or a punishment — it’s a season God can use richly, and it is far preferable to a hasty, unequal match.
So as you look for a spouse, let these be your compass: shared faith above all, character over appearance, purity as a gift, intentionality over drifting, and trust over grasping. Pray for your future spouse even now. Ask God for wisdom — He gives it freely to those who ask. And when you do move toward marriage, build it on the rock of Christ, where it can stand. (For where this is all headed, see What the Bible Says About Marriage.) A love built God’s way is worth waiting for, and worth building well.